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One of Those Nights

     My heart feels like it is breaking in to a million pieces all over again. It feels like every trauma I have felt is coming down on me all at once. My body feels like it is missing so many pieces that it has lost through out the years. Everything from the first time I lost a family member, to my divorce. My body aches with grief. All of the past, even though it feels like they are all happening right now. My eyes are overflowing with tears.     I have no reason to be sad. Maybe its my minds way of reminding me that I am human and I’m allowed to feel pain. I am allowed and need to feel something negative sometimes. It comes in waves. No amount of meds are helping me. I just hate this feeling of being lost and hopeless. That’s probably why it gets pressed down for such a long time and then WHAM! Here it is! Not like its something you just want to feel. I mean how many people can really say they “want to grieve”? No matter how much time goes past, somethings never really stop hurting
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It's Been Awhile

    Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I have logged on a few times, but every time I started to type, I couldn’t find the words to write. It’s not for lack of crap going on in my world. Maybe its because I didn’t find it “worthy” of writing about.     Now that shit has hit the fan, I think I have something worth while about my mental health and life worth saying. I lost my job. Totally my fault, but still. I only realize how bad my mental health has gotten now that I have a lot more time to reflect on what’s been going on in my brain. Don’t worry, I don’t feel like hurting myself or others, but since I lost my job, I have the will to do nothing. Getting out of bed, for anything besides my bonus daughter, doesn’t seem worth it. I have to make myself eat real food. I have to make myself shower. Some days I have to put on a fake face to the world to make sure I don’t end up in the loony bin.    Honestly I’m somewhat surprised that I don’t have bed sores from just being in b
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The Crazies are Out

   It has been one hell of a weekend. I would love for nothing more than it to be over.  My ex found my blog and thinks that I trashed talked him. In reality, I was grieving and sometimes you say what you don’t mean when you are. Of course he will tell everyone that will listen different. The hate that flows through him can’t be healthily. I honestly do not wish him ill and I’m not mad at him anymore. I do grieve what we had, but I think both of our lives are better not together. He has a special place in my heart and always will. When I wrote the post “Grieving” that’s what I was doing. I was trying to find who I was and what I wanted. Since then I have found a peace inside me that helps me keep calm and see things for what they really are.   My ex is not the man I feel in love with. I do hope he can find someone who loves him and changes him to be the man who was always happy and laughing. The man that would dance to every song on the radio. I want him to find a person that will set
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Why can't I be more normal?!?

  I'm typing this from my closet. I'm having a really bad day with my CPTSD. The parinod thoughts and feelings are getting to me really bad today. I'm hurting because of my neck. Nothing is helping with that. I have tried countless things ans nothing has helped and no one is willing to help me. They want to slap a band-aid on me and tell me I'm all better then I'm not. I'm sorry none of the other things have worked. I really don't wtnt to take any more pills but I hurt. IDK why they have such a hard time believing me. I'm not making this hell up. I just want to get out of this hell. And no one will help.
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Different Stage of Moving On

     It's been over a year since I have legal been single. Well since my divorce was finalized. At first I was sad, then argy and then I'm not really sure. Now I have moved on to a phase of questioning everything in our relationship. I'm going to call it the questioning state. I don't really know what was real and what was just trying to save our marriage.     When did he stop loving me? Why didn't he tell me when he started having baby fever? Why did he keep telling me to "think about it" ? I know I was in some of the wrong because I could tell he wanted a baby so bad that I almost had on just to make "us" work. I know it was a horrible idea looking back on it, and Im glad that I didn't have a baby.    What changed with him to think I was the most lazy, "faking" depression and a number of other thing? He would never try to understand my anxiety and depression. " The medication never worked" To him nothing worked with me
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Growning Apart

    I'm sure a lot of you have some app on your phone, like Timehop or something. Even if you don't you can see your memories on Facebook or sometimes through Google. It is really crazy how just a year ago, maybe two years, you can have so many friends that you never thought you would loose. Then today you look back and there is no relationship.    I have been married and divorced. Looking back at my wedding photos I do not speak to anyone that was in my wedding party, besides my 15 year old sister. I had a two Maid's of Honor, and 3 other brides mades. I had two flower girls. Out of all of those people my little sister is the only one that will even speak to me.    My ex-husband hates me. I'm sure his family hates me even more. I'm guessing this because we live in a small town of about 4,500 people, and we see each other. The looks his family and the "friends" I had give me the dirtiest looks. All because I stood my ground. All because I would not have
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So Negative

  I swear, here lately I can't get away from the negativity in this world. Someone everywhere has something to say, or what have you that is just not uplifting. I try to stay positive but, it is near impossible here lately. I can barely find the good in anyone. No matter what I do or say, it's wrong or met by some stupid comment that is just negative.    Yes, I know it could be the depression and anxiety rearing their ugly heads, but something just feels different this time. No matter what, its like something happens that just makes everything worse. I'm so tired of never been able to be true to myself and others.    I was told I could always come to this person to talk about my mental problems. I needed off work and I ended up getting punished for wanting to take the day off for a mental health day. I was going to need a note from my doctor saying I wasn't coco for Cocopuffs before going back to work. I wasn't wanting to hurt myself or others, but I just needed a
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