The Holidays

 
     This time a year sucks for me. See, my boss lost his battle with depression on Nov. 11th. Right before Thanksgiving. My uncle took his own life December 28th. So within the last few months of those years, I had a great loss that shook my world. I had just seen both of them a few days before. Oddly both the last words they said to me were “I love you.”
   They say when someone has been thinking about ending their life and has finally decided to go through with it, they have a out pouring of love. Meaning, they may give you something that is really special to them or they will tell you that they love you. As a kinda way to say goodbye, but hiding it so you don’t worry. I guess I am thankful that those were the last things said to me by both of them, but at the same time, it doesn’t help the “what if’s”.
   Besides me being sick yesterday, I kept having flashbacks. The memories that I see and feel so intensely that they are almost real. The raw emotions I felt. If any of you have had flashbacks you can relate. I was told by my therapist to just let it happen and do what you need to do, and don’t judge yourself for crying or yelling. Let the pain in and the next time you have the same flashback you will be prepared. Also, after reliving it the first twelve times or what ever it seems to just be a memory with no power. But, then there are times like last night, when the same flashbacks happened but the feelings I was having were so raw and intense.
    By the time last night ended, I was so tired, angry, hating the world and what it had done to me. Before I went to bed, I knew I couldn’t feel those things anymore. So I sat there with my boyfriend (who also struggles with mental illness) and he talk and I cried. I am not going to lie, I was still sad went I laid down, But I wasn’t angry at the world for taking the people I loved so much away from me. I know there is no one to blame. Not even my boss or my uncle.
   Depression is a disease. Just like high blood pressure or diabetes. And just like both of those, it can take your life, even if you treat it. I know people think that suicide is the cowards way out, but not me. When I look at their lives and the lives of others that have taken their own life, a lot of them couldn’t see the light. The felt there was no other choice.
    Now I have been down that path before. But I never lost the light. I have always found what I needed to get me though that rough time. I can see where they would think that they could never feel happy or love again. They felt too broken. So I don’t blame them or hate them for it, but I do miss them.
     Around the holidays, suicide rates go up. So check on your loved ones. No matter if they are “always the happy one” or “the life of the party”. They may be struggling inside , where no one can see.
Nicole