Another family member lost to depression
Let me start off my saying, please don’t judge my cousin. He made some mistakes (some where proven to not be him, but I wont get in to that.) He was not perfect and he wasn’t a saint. What he was is a loving man. He loved his family so much. The first letter I wrote to him he told me how sorry he was that he couldn’t have been there for us when my dad died.
My cousin Scott was on death row. He had been for about 14 years. Maybe longer. In I believe September of last year he was supposed to have lethal injection, but due to a new combo of drugs they were trying out they stop it. To my knowledge they had not set a new date.
On January 5th, 2019 he hung himself in his cell. You might be thinking that he saved the state money or what ever, but the thing is, he had a family, including kids. Many people believed that the crimes he was found guilty for, he was really innocent. He was a loving man who loved his family, no matter how long it had been since he had seen them. Since they stopped his lethal injection, he has been suicidal. He gave up all his appeals in 2013. He was just tired of being there. Which I guess I can’t blame him for. He told me he was tired of putting all of his family through this BS and just wanted it to end. So we wouldn’t have to worry about him and he felt we would all be safer.
The last time I saw him was many many years ago. I don’t really have any memories of him. I just remembered him as Shirtless Scott. That’s because I have two cousins with the same name and thats how I knew we were talking about him. He had a thing (all the pictures we have of him) of not wearing a shirt. I always wondered what it would be like to re-met him. You think a convicted murder would be cold and heartless. But not him. He was caring and loving. I wrote to him for the first time a few months before what was his schedule date to be put to death. He sent one back and I cried so hard while reading it.
He told me how sorry he was that he had made those decisions, that made him not able to be with us when my dad got sick and passed. He told me how much he loved my dad and all of us. He told me he thought of my dad often and always had looked up to him. He was a kind soul , who got caught up in the wrong crowd, I guess you could say.
The news article I read said they didn’t know the last time he had been seen by guards, even though he was on suicide watch. I don’t really know how to feel because I’m pissed that he wasn’t being watched like he was supposed to. But I am happy he got what he wanted. He was tired of being on this earth. I don’t think it would have changed anything if he would have gotten out. He was a man broken by what he had done and was very remorseful.
In the two letters he wrote me, he made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who missed my dad. I wasn’t the only one who thought about him and what my dad would have thought about how I have turned out. I know he was sorry. I know he was a kind soul who didn’t deserve to have to take his own life.
I am not really religious, but I can tell you about what many think about death and the way you die. The Catholic Church has even changed its opinion on suicide. I can hope he is up wherever with my dad, hugging and looking down on his family smiling knowing we will make it through his. However it doesn’t make it hurt any less right now.
The anger, sadness, and everything else I feel still is strong, just like it has been every other time. I have lost so many, too many, people to suicide. I wish people would talk about it more. I wish people would hold out their hands more, so people know that they are there for them. It wouldn’t have helped Scott, because he was very tired of getting pulled in a million different directions. ( that is what I fell he felt. I could totally be wrong.)
Please don’t think his life was worth less than anyone else, because he made some big mistakes. He was sorry. Truly sorry. Now I have no one left, that loved my dad and thinks about him a lot with me. I feel alone and sad. Kind words only please.
Thanks
Nicole
My cousin Scott was on death row. He had been for about 14 years. Maybe longer. In I believe September of last year he was supposed to have lethal injection, but due to a new combo of drugs they were trying out they stop it. To my knowledge they had not set a new date.
On January 5th, 2019 he hung himself in his cell. You might be thinking that he saved the state money or what ever, but the thing is, he had a family, including kids. Many people believed that the crimes he was found guilty for, he was really innocent. He was a loving man who loved his family, no matter how long it had been since he had seen them. Since they stopped his lethal injection, he has been suicidal. He gave up all his appeals in 2013. He was just tired of being there. Which I guess I can’t blame him for. He told me he was tired of putting all of his family through this BS and just wanted it to end. So we wouldn’t have to worry about him and he felt we would all be safer.
The last time I saw him was many many years ago. I don’t really have any memories of him. I just remembered him as Shirtless Scott. That’s because I have two cousins with the same name and thats how I knew we were talking about him. He had a thing (all the pictures we have of him) of not wearing a shirt. I always wondered what it would be like to re-met him. You think a convicted murder would be cold and heartless. But not him. He was caring and loving. I wrote to him for the first time a few months before what was his schedule date to be put to death. He sent one back and I cried so hard while reading it.
He told me how sorry he was that he had made those decisions, that made him not able to be with us when my dad got sick and passed. He told me how much he loved my dad and all of us. He told me he thought of my dad often and always had looked up to him. He was a kind soul , who got caught up in the wrong crowd, I guess you could say.
The news article I read said they didn’t know the last time he had been seen by guards, even though he was on suicide watch. I don’t really know how to feel because I’m pissed that he wasn’t being watched like he was supposed to. But I am happy he got what he wanted. He was tired of being on this earth. I don’t think it would have changed anything if he would have gotten out. He was a man broken by what he had done and was very remorseful.
In the two letters he wrote me, he made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who missed my dad. I wasn’t the only one who thought about him and what my dad would have thought about how I have turned out. I know he was sorry. I know he was a kind soul who didn’t deserve to have to take his own life.
I am not really religious, but I can tell you about what many think about death and the way you die. The Catholic Church has even changed its opinion on suicide. I can hope he is up wherever with my dad, hugging and looking down on his family smiling knowing we will make it through his. However it doesn’t make it hurt any less right now.
The anger, sadness, and everything else I feel still is strong, just like it has been every other time. I have lost so many, too many, people to suicide. I wish people would talk about it more. I wish people would hold out their hands more, so people know that they are there for them. It wouldn’t have helped Scott, because he was very tired of getting pulled in a million different directions. ( that is what I fell he felt. I could totally be wrong.)
Please don’t think his life was worth less than anyone else, because he made some big mistakes. He was sorry. Truly sorry. Now I have no one left, that loved my dad and thinks about him a lot with me. I feel alone and sad. Kind words only please.
Thanks
Nicole
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