Grieving
Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve to greif for something you lost? My now ex husband and I spilt up about a year ago. I was the first to move on. I wasn’t trying to get another partner that quick. It really just feel it to place. He was the perfect fit. I knew my ex would be pissed, because we were trying to remain friends. I hid it from him and everyone else for awhile. I just didn’t feel right hiding this amazing thing I had found from everyone because it would make one person mad.
He found out and of coarse he was all butthurt. I didn’t really care, I was finally happy after being unhappy for a few years. December 29th would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. Before then and even now, I just feel like I need to have a big ugly cry to let all this BS inside of me out. My boyfriend, Dustin, knows that I don’t feel like I can greif or be sad because that would mean I’m not happy with him. Or thats what I feel like. He has told me to be sad, cry it out, yell ,scream, or do anything to let out what is inside of me out. I’m very grearful for that. He understands, some how, that even though I don’t want to be with my ex anymore, that I do need to mourn what we had years ago.
Dustin and I have been through a lot in the short 8 months we have been together. Two weeks after we got together, his daughter was murdered, by the new boyfriend of the mom. I will spare you the details. I honestly don’t know how he or his ex make it through each day. He is still stuck in the anger fase of grieving but who can blame him.
After that I made the decision at 27 years old to get my tubes tided and have no children of my own. I had never wanted to have kids, even though when I was married I tried so hard to make myself want a kid. He wasn’t the right person for me to have a kid with and I should have always been true to myself. Dustin was there for me every step of the way. He came back when everything was done and was so encouraging to me, to do what I wanted.
Before, my ex would want to know where I was almost every second of the day. I would have to ask before doing anything, no matter who it was with. With Dustin, I didn’t need to or anything. As long as I was safe, I had full range over my life. ( I think I got on his nerves at first because I was always saying sorry for things I couldn’t help, or asking him if I could do something. I’m finally getting out of that frame of mind. But it has been hard.) I went to Chicago with my mom and little sister and unless I called him or something we didn’t talk. He wanted me to focus on having an amazing time with my family.
Today I found out my ex is dating someone new. It really shouldn’t be a surprise we have been separated for almost a year and he is a handsome guy. That twinge of hate and other things was still there. I want him to be happy, but at the same time I don’t. He made me so unhappy for so long I didn’t even realize I was unhappy until we were apart. I angry and want him to feel that, but I did my far share of not making him happy I guess. Not really sure if it is the same kind of unhappiness but I guess it doesn’t matter.
Living in a small town we are going to see each other and maybe even have to talk to each other. I know its going to be hard for awhile. My doctor even said that my marriage caused me a lot of health problems from the stress. Since we have been apart, I am able to feel less depressed and anxious. It hasn’t fixed every broken piece I have, and it never will. But I am with someone who understands the way I think and feel, without judgment. I have no second thoughts about telling him everything that is on my mind. Good, bad or otherwise.
It’s been an hard year for a lot of people. I hope 2019 treats us all a little better.
Nicole
He found out and of coarse he was all butthurt. I didn’t really care, I was finally happy after being unhappy for a few years. December 29th would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. Before then and even now, I just feel like I need to have a big ugly cry to let all this BS inside of me out. My boyfriend, Dustin, knows that I don’t feel like I can greif or be sad because that would mean I’m not happy with him. Or thats what I feel like. He has told me to be sad, cry it out, yell ,scream, or do anything to let out what is inside of me out. I’m very grearful for that. He understands, some how, that even though I don’t want to be with my ex anymore, that I do need to mourn what we had years ago.
Dustin and I have been through a lot in the short 8 months we have been together. Two weeks after we got together, his daughter was murdered, by the new boyfriend of the mom. I will spare you the details. I honestly don’t know how he or his ex make it through each day. He is still stuck in the anger fase of grieving but who can blame him.
After that I made the decision at 27 years old to get my tubes tided and have no children of my own. I had never wanted to have kids, even though when I was married I tried so hard to make myself want a kid. He wasn’t the right person for me to have a kid with and I should have always been true to myself. Dustin was there for me every step of the way. He came back when everything was done and was so encouraging to me, to do what I wanted.
Before, my ex would want to know where I was almost every second of the day. I would have to ask before doing anything, no matter who it was with. With Dustin, I didn’t need to or anything. As long as I was safe, I had full range over my life. ( I think I got on his nerves at first because I was always saying sorry for things I couldn’t help, or asking him if I could do something. I’m finally getting out of that frame of mind. But it has been hard.) I went to Chicago with my mom and little sister and unless I called him or something we didn’t talk. He wanted me to focus on having an amazing time with my family.
Today I found out my ex is dating someone new. It really shouldn’t be a surprise we have been separated for almost a year and he is a handsome guy. That twinge of hate and other things was still there. I want him to be happy, but at the same time I don’t. He made me so unhappy for so long I didn’t even realize I was unhappy until we were apart. I angry and want him to feel that, but I did my far share of not making him happy I guess. Not really sure if it is the same kind of unhappiness but I guess it doesn’t matter.
Living in a small town we are going to see each other and maybe even have to talk to each other. I know its going to be hard for awhile. My doctor even said that my marriage caused me a lot of health problems from the stress. Since we have been apart, I am able to feel less depressed and anxious. It hasn’t fixed every broken piece I have, and it never will. But I am with someone who understands the way I think and feel, without judgment. I have no second thoughts about telling him everything that is on my mind. Good, bad or otherwise.
It’s been an hard year for a lot of people. I hope 2019 treats us all a little better.
Nicole
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