Overthinking is my specialty

     Overthinking about everything is what I do best. Not that that is a good thing, but it’s the truth. I’m not really sure if it is a part of my mental illness or just a part of who I am. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. These days I usually don’t go in to a panic attack from overthinking, that brings on flashbacks, that causes anxiety. When I overthink 99% of the time is about the past. What I could have done different and just general crap like that, I know I have no control over. 

    The apps like Timehop and Memories on Facebook don’t help to much either. Mine has gone back 11 years and things have changed over that time. Most of the changes has been in the last year and a half or so. That is when my now ex husband started to leave and we began the beginning of the end. He didn’t see it, but I did. He wanted his way of the highway. I choose the highway. 

    Looking back at all those memories hurts some times. The ones from a year ago, where I was posting how much I loved him and stuff hurts a lot to see. I just wonder “Did he really care then?” “Did he really love me when I posted this?”  Truth is I probably will never know. I will just remember that he had been hiding his true feelings about our relationship for THREE years. I have to remember how he treated me like I was stupid and couldn’t make decisions for myself. And mostly I could not go any where with out him knowing where I was at and who I would be with. 

   He wasn’t always that way, but the longer we were together the more he acted like he could control me. What did I do? I let him control my life. I was blinded by what I wanted to be there. I couldn’t see what was really going on. The last straw was the day it all ended. He had been staying at his moms for about 2 weeks and he had came over to talk. We were sitting on our bed. He kept begging me “to think about it.” “To give it more time”. 

   What he was asking of me was to great. I have never wanted kids and he has baby fever. I had told him I didn’t want kids. I was sure about this. I had done a lot of thinking and no biological kids for me. All I wanted was my fur babies. He literally told me it was stay with him and have a child or we spilt up. Why would the man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life do this to me. He knew were I stood. Yes, over the 8 years we were together, I had tried so hard to want to want to have kids. It never worked.  I see the post that I posted and all I can think is “did you ever love me like you say you did? Or was that just some cruel joke?” 

   Since we have gone our own ways, my physical and mental health have gotten better. So much so that my doctor commented on it. He said he felt that the marriage was toxic and that he thought the most of my symptoms were from being under stress and depressed all the time. 

   I do still have my days where I want to give up and say bad words. But I don’t. I try and better myself for myself and no one else. Yes, I have a boyfriend, but he understands that I need to heal for me and he needs to heal for him. We don’t need to heal just for the other ones sake. I can’t truly love someone and unless I truly love myself. 

   It’s hard to love yourself sometimes. But give it a try and see how it makes you feel. Think about the good things. The smallest things are where you need to start. It wont be easy. Hell some days it might be damn near impossible, but you need to try. That is the main thing. Try.

Nicole