Starting New

.  This year is supposed to be about starting new. We get to start over in away. For me it's starting from square one. I am moving in with my boyfriend. I am single. I have a stepdaughter. But mostly it's all scary because this is the first year in many many years that I can be my outspoken, outgoing, sometime rude, independent self. My ex controlled me a lot more than I even knew it. I had dated him since right after high school. He was my first. Not only that he was the guy I thought I would be with until we were told and gray. That's not what was written in the stars.
   Right now I am typing from a place I never thought I would be. Alone. Not physically, my boyfriend, Dustin, is right beside me, but mental it feels that way. I had to learn to be myself. I am still learning how to take care of myself mentally and physically. It's not a walk in the park. I honestly thought it would be easier when we split up this time last year. I thought I had it all figured out. Damn, was I wrong. I am constantly questioning myself and orhers. I'm not as sure as I should be in my decisions
   . Being with Dustin has helped quite a bit. He is supportive of me being as clingy as I need to be and as independent as I want to be.he helps me up when I fall. (  metaphorically and when I actually fall )  He is there to tell me I told you so and help me get through whatever struggle I need to get through. He doesn't give me every thing. He makes me earn it. He supported me when I went with my mom and little sister to Chicago. As long as I was safe he didn't care what I did. ( Within reason)
   The thing ia, he doesn't think he is strong and always there for me. But he really is. He makes me feel loved and wanted for everything I am. The bent parts too. He thinks I am so strong because I help him with his mental illnesses and don't bat an eye if he cries. He makes me happy to be alive. He is one of the smartest people I know and sometimes that is his down fall. But I love him for it. We both have a long way to go after 2018 being so rough on us. Both separatly and as a couple. I know that we will try until we can't try anymore to help each other, love each other, and most importantly be there for each other.
    He is my light in the darkest night. I hope you have someone like that in your life. Rather it's just a friend you know you can count on or a spouse. I hope if you don't have one, you will find them soon. They are in the places you would never think they would be. They are the people who you keep over looking. Look a little deeper in to your soul and find what you really want in life. Then that person may just fall in to your lap.

Nicole

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