My Life Fighting Mental Illness and The Stigma

    I was never the girl that wanted to be the mom when we played house. If I did play with the other girls playing house, I usually wanted to be the dog. Never did I want to be a mom. I have never wanted kids of my own. Everyone said that I would change my mind once all my friends started having kids. The only thing that changed when my friends had kids, was my level of anxiety. It went through the roof.    I was never the one to want to be around the kids alone. It was always a huge anxiety riser to be anywhere alone with my friends kids. I never felt like I had a handle on my emotions enough to be alone with them. I was always afraid I was going to get mad and yell at them for no reason. I have a history of getting stressed out and yelling at whatever or who ever is closest. I never wanted to do that to anyone's kids and I didn't want to risk of doing that to my own.     As I got older, I started taking medication for by anxiety and depression. Along w...

    As of yesterday, my ex-husband and I have been separated one year. (I was going to write something but got side tracked.) This last year has been a year of pain, heartache, heartbreak, and depression. This year also has been a year of healing, regrowth, breaking down walls, and most of all,  learning to love myself again. It's been a very hard time for me. I was stuck, and somedays still am, in the mindset that I am not good enough.    This year has taught me a lot of things. Not the things I listed above but things like: 1.)The failure of my marriage was not all my fault. 2.) My mental health was at its worse. 3.) Even though I loved my ex-husband, he was not the one meant for me. 4.) I am not worthless. 5.) I am stronger than my depression, no matter what anyone saids.   There is more, but I am pretty sure you don't want to read like a hundred bullet points. It's amazing how getting out of something that I didn't even realize was hurting me hel...

   March 20th is coming up. That day probably means nothing to you, but to me, it was the end of the end. It was the start of my new life. The life I never knew I wanted and needed. My (now ex) husband and I decided to make our separation final. We were going to get a divorce. Something that I Never thought would happen to us. I thought we were going to grow old together and live our lives side by side. In the end it wasn't the plan that was meant for us.    He left the house and I couldn't believe that the last 8 years was just a waste. I couldn't believe that the things that had happened really did. I called my mom and cry more and more. I felt like life as I knew it was over. At that point I am pretty sure that you could have not gotten me to think in any other way.   During that time I also lost friends. The friend I had for most of my life decided that she wasn't going to stick around. Well more like she was going to stay friends with my ex instead of me....

    In the last year my life has changed. From outside looking in, without knowing much context you might think it was for the worst. If you see it through my eyes, it was a good and needed change. Looks can be  deceiving. Don’t always think that “downgrading “ is a bad thing. Now I’m not talking men to make that point clear. I’m talking about what we have, where we live and what kind of money is being brought in to the household.     At the beginning of last year, I had a four bedroom, two bath house with attached  garage. I was married to now my exhusband. I was missable. My depression and anxiety were everywhere and I generally hating life. I didn’t have any friends and my marriage was falling apart.     Today I sit with my boyfriend in a older single wide with two bedroom and one bath. It is about the size of my old living room and dinning room. But I don’t care. It fits the new me and my new life perfectly. We are so happy. I love in with m...