One Year Mark

    As of yesterday, my ex-husband and I have been separated one year. (I was going to write something but got side tracked.) This last year has been a year of pain, heartache, heartbreak, and depression. This year also has been a year of healing, regrowth, breaking down walls, and most of all,  learning to love myself again. It's been a very hard time for me. I was stuck, and somedays still am, in the mindset that I am not good enough.
   This year has taught me a lot of things. Not the things I listed above but things like:
1.)The failure of my marriage was not all my fault.
2.) My mental health was at its worse.
3.) Even though I loved my ex-husband, he was not the one meant for me.
4.) I am not worthless.
5.) I am stronger than my depression, no matter what anyone saids.
  There is more, but I am pretty sure you don't want to read like a hundred bullet points. It's amazing how getting out of something that I didn't even realize was hurting me helped both my mental health and physical health. My chronic pain has went down. My stress and anxiety have both went down by leaps and bounds. Instead of having a panic attack more than once a week, I may have them once a month, if not less.
   There were days I thought I wasn't going to make it through. My depression was so bad that I didn't think I even deserved to live. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up more times than I can count. Even after I got in my relationship with my boyfriend, I still had those thoughts. I did not feel like I mattered enough to be here. Something in the back of my mind wouldn't let me give up. I'm not sure what it was. You could say it was God or who ever you believe in. You could say it was just my mind knowing the depression was lying to me. You could say a lot of things. In the end it doesn't really matter. What matters is, I am one of the lucky ones who made it through their dark time and came out on the other side, where the light is.
   I think what helped me a lot was being so honest about what I was feeling and thinking. I even did this before I started this blog. I would talk about my mental illness and mental health to anyone who would listen. I wouldn't really go too much in to my story, but the story of living every day in this small town with mental illness. The thought around this town is "Keep your mouth shut, unless you are talking about someone else." The favorite past time for 98% of adults in this town is talking bad about others.
   I have been disowned by judgmental family members, told to be silent about my mental health and the pills I take.( That backfired) I have lost all my old friends, because they thought all I wanted was to talk about was me. The truth really is, I didn't just want to talk about them. Mostly I lost my husband. He thought nothing was working for me and I wasn't really sick, I was just lazy. All the words he said made me go farther and farther down the depression rabbit hole.
   On April 10th of this year, my boyfriend and I will have been dating a year. ( Ya, I know very quick. I really didn't plan on it, but he feel in to my lap) He started out just listen being the friend who understood my depression and anxiety, mostly because he has the same thing. He started to just wanted to there for me. He put everything aside for me and just listened.
     Since then he has helped me feel more confident and feel loved more than I than I thought possible. He has dealt with me on my worst days and on my best. He has let me have Independence that I didn't know before. I am now a stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am so happy.
    I have no mean words and thoughts about my ex-husband. I hope he finds the happiness like I did.

Nicole