Different Stage of Moving On
It's been over a year since I have legal been single. Well since my divorce was finalized. At first I was sad, then argy and then I'm not really sure. Now I have moved on to a phase of questioning everything in our relationship. I'm going to call it the questioning state. I don't really know what was real and what was just trying to save our marriage.
When did he stop loving me? Why didn't he tell me when he started having baby fever? Why did he keep telling me to "think about it" ? I know I was in some of the wrong because I could tell he wanted a baby so bad that I almost had on just to make "us" work. I know it was a horrible idea looking back on it, and Im glad that I didn't have a baby.
What changed with him to think I was the most lazy, "faking" depression and a number of other thing? He would never try to understand my anxiety and depression. " The medication never worked" To him nothing worked with me. The only way he "could get me to understand and listen to him" was to yell at me. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure any of the things he yelled at me about, he never tried to talk about like adults. Of course that is what he grew up with and still sees today. No one taking responsibility for their actions. No one behaving like adults. He has a lot of hate in his heart, just like the rest of his family.
I mean I tried to tell him that I got the reminder to get a new sticker for his truck. I texted him a few times and then sent him a Facebook message, to which he didn't read and blocked me all at the same time. I was't trying anything. I was trying to be a decent human. I guess he still hates me. I may not deserve his forgiveness, but I feel like he would be happier if he maybe just started hating me less. I'm not sure what happened to the man I married, but who ever he has become I hope he is happy.
I am a Buddhist, so I try not to harbor hate and not wish ill upon anyone. I want to not hurt any one. Its just crazy that no matter how many times I say sorry, to him it will be enough. I just wanted to know the exact moment when he decided it was his way or the highway. Was it always written in the stars all along? Was this a test from a higher power ( the universe, or what ever you believe in) to make me the damaged person I am today? Loosing that kind of relationship, it set me back almost to the beginning of my depression and anxiety. I feel like I landed on "Go to Jail with out passing go" with it added "you will question everything, everyone and loose almost everything."
My boyfriend has helped me a lot. He showed me thing picture on Facebook that said "You can miss something, without wanting it back." I think that is the hardest part. I don't want to be sad because I'm not with my ex-husband anymore. I don't want to live in the past. I feel I should be happy because I am with Dustin. It is so weird talking to him about the happy times ( no matter how few their were) about my exhusband. Its fine to tell him the bad things all day long, but the good things make me feel like Dustin feel like I still have something for him or something like that. He knows I don't, but the unknown of a lot of things is really want is keeping me back.
My ex-husband was never good at talking or sharing his feelings. Dustin is very good about both and I guess that is landed me here. In a state of unknowing. I will probably never know when he started to love me less and put himself before me. I won't know when he decided that having a baby. ( which I think in his heart, he knew I never wanted) He had alway told me it would be ok either way. I knew from the beginning that it would end us. He used my own argument against me. I knew he would, but I was living in a fairy tale land that we would grow old together. The stars had other plans for him and I. I hope one day that he will at least talk to me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I am going to live here and now. I am going to love my boyfriend and his daughter with every cell in my body. I know how a man treats his spouse now and I couldn't be happier. The unknown will always bug the living crap out of me, but that is ok. I think I can learn to live with that
When did he stop loving me? Why didn't he tell me when he started having baby fever? Why did he keep telling me to "think about it" ? I know I was in some of the wrong because I could tell he wanted a baby so bad that I almost had on just to make "us" work. I know it was a horrible idea looking back on it, and Im glad that I didn't have a baby.
What changed with him to think I was the most lazy, "faking" depression and a number of other thing? He would never try to understand my anxiety and depression. " The medication never worked" To him nothing worked with me. The only way he "could get me to understand and listen to him" was to yell at me. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure any of the things he yelled at me about, he never tried to talk about like adults. Of course that is what he grew up with and still sees today. No one taking responsibility for their actions. No one behaving like adults. He has a lot of hate in his heart, just like the rest of his family.
I mean I tried to tell him that I got the reminder to get a new sticker for his truck. I texted him a few times and then sent him a Facebook message, to which he didn't read and blocked me all at the same time. I was't trying anything. I was trying to be a decent human. I guess he still hates me. I may not deserve his forgiveness, but I feel like he would be happier if he maybe just started hating me less. I'm not sure what happened to the man I married, but who ever he has become I hope he is happy.
I am a Buddhist, so I try not to harbor hate and not wish ill upon anyone. I want to not hurt any one. Its just crazy that no matter how many times I say sorry, to him it will be enough. I just wanted to know the exact moment when he decided it was his way or the highway. Was it always written in the stars all along? Was this a test from a higher power ( the universe, or what ever you believe in) to make me the damaged person I am today? Loosing that kind of relationship, it set me back almost to the beginning of my depression and anxiety. I feel like I landed on "Go to Jail with out passing go" with it added "you will question everything, everyone and loose almost everything."
My boyfriend has helped me a lot. He showed me thing picture on Facebook that said "You can miss something, without wanting it back." I think that is the hardest part. I don't want to be sad because I'm not with my ex-husband anymore. I don't want to live in the past. I feel I should be happy because I am with Dustin. It is so weird talking to him about the happy times ( no matter how few their were) about my exhusband. Its fine to tell him the bad things all day long, but the good things make me feel like Dustin feel like I still have something for him or something like that. He knows I don't, but the unknown of a lot of things is really want is keeping me back.
My ex-husband was never good at talking or sharing his feelings. Dustin is very good about both and I guess that is landed me here. In a state of unknowing. I will probably never know when he started to love me less and put himself before me. I won't know when he decided that having a baby. ( which I think in his heart, he knew I never wanted) He had alway told me it would be ok either way. I knew from the beginning that it would end us. He used my own argument against me. I knew he would, but I was living in a fairy tale land that we would grow old together. The stars had other plans for him and I. I hope one day that he will at least talk to me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I am going to live here and now. I am going to love my boyfriend and his daughter with every cell in my body. I know how a man treats his spouse now and I couldn't be happier. The unknown will always bug the living crap out of me, but that is ok. I think I can learn to live with that
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