The Crazies are Out

   It has been one hell of a weekend. I would love for nothing more than it to be over.  My ex found my blog and thinks that I trashed talked him. In reality, I was grieving and sometimes you say what you don’t mean when you are. Of course he will tell everyone that will listen different. The hate that flows through him can’t be healthily. I honestly do not wish him ill and I’m not mad at him anymore. I do grieve what we had, but I think both of our lives are better not together. He has a special place in my heart and always will. When I wrote the post “Grieving” that’s what I was doing. I was trying to find who I was and what I wanted. Since then I have found a peace inside me that helps me keep calm and see things for what they really are.
  My ex is not the man I feel in love with. I do hope he can find someone who loves him and changes him to be the man who was always happy and laughing. The man that would dance to every song on the radio. I want him to find a person that will set his anger free. Under the anger he is an amazing man for someone. That someone was just not me. We grew up together and then we grew apart. It’s apart of life that I do hate.
  The anger he has towards me does explain why I lost our mutual friends. The type of hate he has is contagious. It sucks you in with out you even knowing it. I’m wish he would listen to me and talk to me, but he chooses anger and hate. Hopefully he can see this way   that someday. Maybe someday when he is happy with the person he is with and where he is in life. Till then I will follow the 8 fold path. I refuse to let anger and hate control me.

Nicole

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Holidays

       This time a year sucks for me. See, my boss lost his battle with depression on Nov. 11th. Right before Thanksgiving. My uncle took his own life December 28th. So within the last few months of those years, I had a great loss that shook my world. I had just seen both of them a few days before. Oddly both the last words they said to me were “I love you.”    They say when someone has been thinking about ending their life and has finally decided to go through with it, they have a out pouring of love. Meaning, they may give you something that is really special to them or they will tell you that they love you. As a kinda way to say goodbye, but hiding it so you don’t worry. I guess I am thankful that those were the last things said to me by both of them, but at the same time, it doesn’t help the “what if’s”.    Besides me being sick yesterday, I kept having flashbacks. The memories that I see and feel so intensely that they are almost real. The raw emotions I felt. If any of you hav
Read more

My Way of Grieving

    A few weeks ago I lost my cousin to suicide. I have to say, I haven’t had much contact with him due to distance and him being in prison. He remembered me from when I was younger but I don’t have any real memories of him. He was death row, but everything became stalled sometime last April. I wrote a letter to him pretty much to say hello and goodbye at the same time. When everything got put on hold, there was a rumor that they had found something new that could possibly get him out. I guess I got my hopes up a little to high.      He had wanted that part of his life to be over. He was tired of having to see his family go in to the prison to see him. He was afraid something would happen to them. He was ready to go, and I thought I would be too when the time came, but I wasn’t. Maybe if he had waited for lethal injection I would have been more at peace with his passing, but he couldn’t hang on any longer.      How do you miss someone that you only have pictures and 2 letters from? H
Read more

Chronic.... seems like everything

     As you probably know, depression and anxiety for the most part are chronic. (A long standing or constant illness. Possibly lasting a lifetime.) Besides those two lovely things I also have been diagnosed with  Cervicaligia. Since I know you probably don’t want to Google that, it means chronic neck pain. It is not really certain what is really causing the pain. It changes when ever I go to a different doctor, but they all agree and the age of 28 years old I have chronic neck pain. I see a pain doctor, I have been through every test they can think of.      I have been to the ER more times than I care to count. Pretty much they treat me like I’m there just to get a high. Which sucks! For some reason, since I have mental illnesses that means I am a drug seeker. Just because they can’t see my pain, they think it is “all if in my head” just like everything else. It takes me a lot to go to the ER in the first place and then to be treated like that?! It’s horrible and annoying.      One
Read more