It's Been Awhile

    Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I have logged on a few times, but every time I started to type, I couldn’t find the words to write. It’s not for lack of crap going on in my world. Maybe its because I didn’t find it “worthy” of writing about.
    Now that shit has hit the fan, I think I have something worth while about my mental health and life worth saying. I lost my job. Totally my fault, but still. I only realize how bad my mental health has gotten now that I have a lot more time to reflect on what’s been going on in my brain. Don’t worry, I don’t feel like hurting myself or others, but since I lost my job, I have the will to do nothing. Getting out of bed, for anything besides my bonus daughter, doesn’t seem worth it. I have to make myself eat real food. I have to make myself shower. Some days I have to put on a fake face to the world to make sure I don’t end up in the loony bin.
   Honestly I’m somewhat surprised that I don’t have bed sores from just being in bed. I started seeing a new psych doctor and she is pretty great. But they changed my meds again. Also, instead of            “ depression” , they are treating me for “Major Depressive Disorder”. Ugh! For some reason, that just makes me feel worse. Even though it might be the right treatment, it just seems like another label to be slapped on me. The meds haven’t seem to kick in yet, but then again my brain may just be hating me. The meds have me with mood swings, nausea, and feeling blah.
   I do have some good news that has brought back some... odd feelings. My boyfriend asked me to marry him!!! Of course I said yes! ❤ My now soon to be husband is amazing. When I talk about the odd things, its totally odd planing another wedding. It brings back some odd memories. Of course the planning process is totally different. Everything is going great and the man I am marrying, wants to be apart of the planning process. I have true friends that are going to be my bridesmaids.
   There is always something in the back of my mind, hoping that things that don’t go the way the first wedding. Because lets be honest, leaving out the fact who I was marrying, my wedding was a disaster. I talk to only my littler sister. I had 5 bridesmaids and another flower girl. Plus the all of the men that was on my now ex husband. But that is all in the past.
   I am hopeful for the future. For my family, my mental health, and life. I hope you all are well.
I will keep you updated on my med changes.
    Nicole

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