One of Those Nights

     My heart feels like it is breaking in to a million pieces all over again. It feels like every trauma I have felt is coming down on me all at once. My body feels like it is missing so many pieces that it has lost through out the years. Everything from the first time I lost a family member, to my divorce. My body aches with grief. All of the past, even though it feels like they are all happening right now. My eyes are overflowing with tears.
    I have no reason to be sad. Maybe its my minds way of reminding me that I am human and I’m allowed to feel pain. I am allowed and need to feel something negative sometimes. It comes in waves. No amount of meds are helping me. I just hate this feeling of being lost and hopeless. That’s probably why it gets pressed down for such a long time and then WHAM! Here it is! Not like its something you just want to feel. I mean how many people can really say they “want to grieve”? No matter how much time goes past, somethings never really stop hurting as much as the minute you heard the news.
  I haven’t had pain like some. I think that might be part of why I try not to feel it sometimes. How can I have the right to grieve something that happened so long ago, when some of these mothers are dealing with the loss of their child only a few hours old. I could go on all day on why I don’t feel like I have the right to grieve anymore, but I wont. Shorter version: Any reason for someone to be grieving right now, thats a reason I feel like I should be “better”
   I’m not even sure how to put somethings in to words. I mean someone reading this has had things happen to them like I have. Maybe not the same exact thing but close enough. If you aren’t sure what the heck I’m talking about, maybe skim the other post. Maybe you have away that might help me heal that I haven’t thought of. I am welcome to any advice. Oh, but “suck it up” or any shit like that isn’t advice. That’s just being an ass. Thanks everyone. Hopefully my next post will be longer

Nicole

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